The Doucher Bowl, brought to you by Axe Body Spray and the Ford Mustang

Dear 8lb, 9oz, little Lonestar Jesus in the manger,

Today’s prayer is a little different, tiny Jesus. You saw fit to give our Dawgs a break this week, so I’m coming to you on behalf of SEC fans everywhere who are tired of being kicked around by bandwagon fans from Alabama. Today, I (and hopefully the rest of the Bulldog Nation) stand proudly behind Texas A&M as they take on those…wait, are they elephants...some red wave thing? Who knows! The point is that you said through you all things are possible. If the Aggies can do it once, they can do it again!

First of all, tiny lord, you CLEARLY told us that you’re the only dead guy we’re allowed to worship. This Bear Bryant thing, Jesus, I mean, it’s obviously blasphemy. And nobody’s cared more than Alabama fans about wearing a tacky pattern until Kim Kardashian left the house wearing a couch that one time. (http://thelaughingstork.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/kim-kardashian-couch-floral.jpg)

I get that Alabama is an OK school, Jesus. I mean, they have the highest graduation rate of MRS degrees in the country. And Tuscaloosa isn’t all bad…oh wait. Yes, yes it is. My point is, I guess it can’t be that terrible a place to go to school when I’ve seen such a huge increase in the number of folks sporting their gear since the National Championship... I can’t even imagine how they accommodate so many new students…

It’s not that I particularly care for Texas A&M, small ruler of the universe. They’re like, obsessed with the Alamo and teach bronco-busting in their institutions of higher learning. But this comes down to more than Johnny Manziel and his stupid autographs. This is about Alabama fans and the fact that the rest of us have to deal with them! Seriously, Jesus, THEY POISON TREES. Not that anyone gives a rat’s patootie about Auburn, but that's some shady business!

Bless over the Aggies today, Jesus, even if Johnny Manziel is a huge …hmm, I’m gonna need some help here, little savior. Normally I’d call him a douche, but I get that probably isn’t a prayer-appropriate word. How about this -  I have no idea what Gigging ‘Em entails, but as long as it’s not like twerking,  if you could see to it with all of your mighty ways that our pal Johnny Football is able to accomplish it, we would all greatly appreciate it.

Thank you for the SEC, Jesus. It is, as I’m sure you understand, the Alpha and Omega of college football. Forgive those who covet us, because I mean, really, can you blame them? Who wouldn't want to be a part of an institution that's won...wait, Jesus, I need to do some research here. Only Alabama fans exaggerate the number of National Championships they've won...

In your yellow rose lovin' name we pray,

Amen!

And just for good measure, GO DAWGS!