Cajun is French for Corndog

Dear 8lb, 90z, tiniest little Georgia-loving Jesus,

Thank you for another glorious Saturday in Athens, lordlet! And thank you for that sweet victory over North Texas last week! Today, the Bulldogs take on another team of Tigers, Jesus, and we come to you asking for a better outcome than that first go’round!

First of all, Jesus, Baton Rouge (really, they can’t think of a better name for their city than Red Stick??) is just the grossest! It’s like all the rednecks in France got kicked out by the sophisticated folks and fled to Louisiana. Have you ever met snobby white trash, Jesus? They're the worst! And they barely even speak English, which we all know was your native tongue. I mean, it's in the Bible, Jesus. You can’t just go around, inventin’ languages and stuff. Who spells it geaux? I mean, honestly. And they can call it a bayou all they want; fact is it’s a nasty old swamp! Speaking of which, have you ever even seen a tiger in a swamp, Jesus? I don’t think so. 

I’ll be honest, cause you said we should be, and admit I don’t know much about LSU, tiny monarch. I’ve heard the fans smell like corndogs and that just like the last stupid Tigers we played, they named their stadium after a place in another state. Not that I’d expect much from the people from a place where beads are accepted as currency for lewd behavior! Georgia should win just on our caliber of students alone, savior! And because purple is ugly.

This important battle also comes down to our coaches, little ruler of Heaven. Every week we devout Georgia fans look to Mark Richt (second only to you, of course) as our hero and our leader. Sure, he’s a little conservative, but at least he knows how to clap. And he doesn’t go around paying players and stuff. Or taking Nick Saban’s throw-away jobs. Or cheating on his wife. Or eating grass. (Really, Jesus, what is that all about?) Or taking on quarterbacks who treat ladies inappropriately! That Mettenberger, Jesus! Thank you for seeing to it that he not be allowed to continue his career as a Georgia Bulldog and for delivering Aaron Murray to us instead!

As we gather between our sacred hedges today, tiny savior, protect over our boys and lead us to victory over those crappy cajuns. Let there be long (caught) passes, lots of (forced) turnovers and long (touchdown) drives. Continue to keep us safe from injury, and out of trouble during the week. We thank you for making it so darn great to be a Georgia Bulldog, sweet Jesus!!!

In your comin’ down the track name we pray,

Amen.

And GO DAWGS!!

The Doucher Bowl, brought to you by Axe Body Spray and the Ford Mustang

Dear 8lb, 9oz, little Lonestar Jesus in the manger,

Today’s prayer is a little different, tiny Jesus. You saw fit to give our Dawgs a break this week, so I’m coming to you on behalf of SEC fans everywhere who are tired of being kicked around by bandwagon fans from Alabama. Today, I (and hopefully the rest of the Bulldog Nation) stand proudly behind Texas A&M as they take on those…wait, are they elephants...some red wave thing? Who knows! The point is that you said through you all things are possible. If the Aggies can do it once, they can do it again!

First of all, tiny lord, you CLEARLY told us that you’re the only dead guy we’re allowed to worship. This Bear Bryant thing, Jesus, I mean, it’s obviously blasphemy. And nobody’s cared more than Alabama fans about wearing a tacky pattern until Kim Kardashian left the house wearing a couch that one time. (http://thelaughingstork.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/kim-kardashian-couch-floral.jpg)

I get that Alabama is an OK school, Jesus. I mean, they have the highest graduation rate of MRS degrees in the country. And Tuscaloosa isn’t all bad…oh wait. Yes, yes it is. My point is, I guess it can’t be that terrible a place to go to school when I’ve seen such a huge increase in the number of folks sporting their gear since the National Championship... I can’t even imagine how they accommodate so many new students…

It’s not that I particularly care for Texas A&M, small ruler of the universe. They’re like, obsessed with the Alamo and teach bronco-busting in their institutions of higher learning. But this comes down to more than Johnny Manziel and his stupid autographs. This is about Alabama fans and the fact that the rest of us have to deal with them! Seriously, Jesus, THEY POISON TREES. Not that anyone gives a rat’s patootie about Auburn, but that's some shady business!

Bless over the Aggies today, Jesus, even if Johnny Manziel is a huge …hmm, I’m gonna need some help here, little savior. Normally I’d call him a douche, but I get that probably isn’t a prayer-appropriate word. How about this -  I have no idea what Gigging ‘Em entails, but as long as it’s not like twerking,  if you could see to it with all of your mighty ways that our pal Johnny Football is able to accomplish it, we would all greatly appreciate it.

Thank you for the SEC, Jesus. It is, as I’m sure you understand, the Alpha and Omega of college football. Forgive those who covet us, because I mean, really, can you blame them? Who wouldn't want to be a part of an institution that's won...wait, Jesus, I need to do some research here. Only Alabama fans exaggerate the number of National Championships they've won...

In your yellow rose lovin' name we pray,

Amen!

And just for good measure, GO DAWGS!

You Can't Spell Suck Without U.S.C.

Dear 8lb, 9oz, little, precious, Dawg-lovin’ savior,

Good morning Jesus, and Happy September Saturday. One of the most glorious kinds of Saturdays! Thank you for inventing them.

Well, Jesus, we Georgia fans are coming to you a little more humbly this week. Our hearts (and our ACLs) are hurting with sympathy for our Dawgs. But, the way I figure it, Jesus, you’re the biggest come-back kid I know, so I believe in my heart of hearts that you will help our boys pull out a victory today over those wretched chickens and their evil leader.

Can we just talk about Steve Spurrier for a second, tiny leader of Heaven? Far as I can tell, YOU’RE the only Head Ball Coach around this place…and the ENTIRE UNIVERSE. He’s just a big old arrogant commandment breaker (whichever one where you said don’t be a big dumb jerk!) And he THROWS things, Jesus! Can you imagine? A grown man, throwing a hat. And I hear he takes his clothes off at practice! Clearly all signs of a lunatic that should not be encouraged by a victory over our own chaste (and better looking with his shirt off) Coach Richt!

Also, I know last week I said orange was the worst thing you ever made, but that’s just because I forgot about Columbia. What kind of place wants to be the capitol of the state that didn’t even want to be a part of this great grand thing we call AMERICA?! That’s like saying you want to be in a conference outside of the SEC. WHO DOES THAT, Jesus?! Not the Bulldogs, I can tell you that much.

As we gather in Athens (second only to Heaven of the most important places ever), I ask that you watch over all those proudly wearing any variety of red and black, or silver britches. Thank you for our (remaining) Bulldogs, small lord. If you could please (like, really, all the PLEASEs) protect them for the rest of the season, we would really appreciate it. Also, if you could perhaps inspire Bobo with a little less running and a little more throwing, I bet your name would be screamed at TVs a lot less frequently this weekend.

In your nothin’-finer-in-the-land name we pray,

Amen.

And GO DAWGS!

PS. Thanks for that whole Tebow thing, by the way.