Lewis Grizzard called Clemson "Auburn with a lake."

Dear 8lb, 9oz tiny, perfect, football-inventing baby Jesus in the manger.

Ohmyyou Ohmyyou Ohmyyou!!! I just can’t believe it! Though as a Christian what with the whole miracles thing, I’m not sure why not… It’s FOOTBALL SEASON, Jesus!!! Today our long-loved and impatiently-awaited Bulldogs take on the Tigers (which I hear are really just glorified house cats) from some remote redneck land in South Carolina. I know you said we should love our neighbors and stuff, baby Jesus, but REALLY!

Oh man (made in your image), Jesus! Do you remember that time I almost went to Clemson? Thank you for showing me the light and seeing to it that I couldn’t find a bar for miles while I was touring their campus.  And all of that orange. Barf. Honestly, Jesus. Orange is sort of like your one big mistake. (Well, that and Tim Tebow, but I get that you guys have a thing.) I can’t think of a single good thing having to do with orange.  Just think - Florida, Tennessee, Auburn, and now these yahoos. GROSS!

Jesus, I reckon I don’t know much about folks outside the Gloryland of the SEC. I mean, why would I? But from what I understand, second only to the dumb-dumbs plowing their way through schools in Alabama, all the not so bright ones found their way to Clemson. I mean, they didn’t even name their own mascot, Jesus! And their stadium is named after a place ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY. I know you have your own special plan in place for them, little lord, but I sincerely pray that includes getting their hineys whooped by Georgia today! The only thing they really have going for them is that they hate Spurrier, too. But, it was your command that we hate Satan, so I hardly think they should get points for that.

Football season is an amazing time to be a Georgia Bulldog, tiny savior. Thank you for our beautiful campus, for lovely girls and handsome boys in their Saturday best, for fall afternoons at Sanford Stadium, for the chill bumps every Georgia fan feels when we hear that old bell ringing. Thank you for Coach Richt and all of our players. And for our mostly crime-free, uninteresting off-season. Hallelujah! And finally Jesus, thank you, (and this one might just be from me, but I feel like I represent a good number of Georgia fans so I feel ok saying it) for Jack Daniels.

Bless over our boys today, lordlet. May they have quick feet, sure hands and the strength of, well, Bulldogs! Please keep everyone safe from injury, even those stupid Tigers, and Jesus, if you could, remind us today why college football is the best darn thing on Earth.

In your sweet, soft, Southern-thrill-lovin’ name we pray.

Amen.

AND GO DAWGS!