Due to the on-the-fence nature of my feelings toward children, friends often send me blogs and buzzfeeds and articles about being a non-parent and what it means to make the choice to or to not have kids. One such blog has come to me on a couple of instances now, so I decided to write my own, non-trite version of it. Mostly I just wanted to do it with swear words. Without further ado...
Things Parents Shouldn't Say to Non-Parents, as told by Jenn Ciccarelli
1. So when are you going to have kids?
The most honest answer I can give you on this one is that it's really none of your effing business. I mean, seriously, why do you want to know? I secretly think it's because the misery of motherhood wants more company, but this is just when you'll tell me how happy you are as a mother and how you just want to share in my joy with me. Not buyin' it. Also, what happens when you ask this of someone who wants children desperately but can't have them. You're a total asshole.
Even if I were sure about wanting kids, the when part of it is, when I'm ready. When I want to. When my significant other and I make the decision, together, to do so. Not when some random lady at the grocery store notices that I'm not 25 anymore and assumes I'm fighting a losing battle against an ovarian clock. When will I have kids? When I do. Go make your life interesting so you can stop worrying about mine.
2. You'll change your mind.
Y'all know how I feel about this one. It irks me more than the majority of things you could ever say to me for like, a million reasons. I'm 32 years old. As such, I've spent a pretty considerable amount of time with myself and my decisions are based on years worth of life that you don't know anything about. The balls with which others assume rights over my decision process are the biggest, most frustrating around. What certainty you have about what goes on inside my head! Do you think I'm going to be like, OMG, YOU ARE RIGHT! I'm going to go flush my birth control down the toilet RIGHT NOW? (I'm not. Leave me alone.)
The things is, perhaps I will change my mind. Then what? You'll be right? You'll have "I told you so" rights? Congratulations?
3. You don't know what you're missing.
This one is so much bullshit. Thank you for trivializing the choices I've made in my life with the assumption that unless I do what you do, my life in some way will end up less fulfilling. Honestly, what do you expect us to say when you say things like this? Because the only retort I've got for you, is going to hurt your feelings. Because there's no kind way to say...
"I've actually assessed everything about your situation and decided I can't think of a worse way to waste my time on this planet. I actually do know what I'd be missing. I'd be missing sleep. And the ability to lay in bed all morning. And adult television shows. And vacations to places like Iceland vs. places like Disney. I'd miss my body. My free time. The ability to come and go as I please and make my own choices and the freedom to just be me, forever."
The answer is...I'd miss everything. So stop for a second before you say this to a stranger and realize they've probably considered just about every angle of their choice and don't make us have to say something mean to you.
4. Little Junior sat up today. (Or crawled. Or ate solid food. Or discovered his own dick.)
Right. And the sun also rose and set. And scientific breakthroughs beyond our wildest imaginations occurred. And there might be life in space. And Gretchen from Real Housewives proposed to her boyfriend.
Ok, not the last one. But the point is, pretty much everything is more interesting to a non-parent, or, perhaps just me, but this is my blog, so I can generalize that it's everyone, than whatever pretty common milestone your little precious pea hit today. Seriously, on my Facebook alone, like, 15 kids learn to sit up every day.
In the universe that isn't centered inside your house, WAY COOLER SHIT HAPPENED so forgive me if I don't fall all over myself with excitement because you kid now does what 7 BILLION OTHER PEOPLE can do.
5. Is this party kid friendly?
No. Moving on.
6. Don't you think you'll regret it when you're old?
Fuck. Maybe? But who knows if I'll ever even be old. I could die before I finish this snarky blog post. Again. Assume I've probably considered this and if the answer were yes, I'd have kids. Seems fairly straightforward to me.
7. Isn't "this" cute?? (Whereby "this" is like, a monogrammed onesie or a diaper bag or some stuffed toy that you can program with your voice so Junior never gets lonely.)
No, actually, it's not really that cute. Sorry.
You know what's cute? Lambs. In Iceland. And not having kids means I get to go see them whenever I want.
PS. Quit taking pictures of your kids in fucking baskets. They are human beings, not dolls.
8. You know dogs aren't really kids right?
WHAT? NO? I HAD NO IDEA.
Ok, yes, idiot. I do know that dogs are not actually human children. It's just that since people are always talking to me about their kids (or about when I'm going to have some), I'm really just trying to relate to you in any lame way that I can. I'm glad my dogs aren't kids...cause then I'd have kids.
That said, my dogs are actually, totally human. ;)
9. You have no idea what being tired is like. (This one does not apply to working moms or single moms, cause y'all have the right to say you're more tired than me whenever you want. You are.)
Uhhhhh.....I never know what to say to this one either. Yes I do? I'm sorry, but you chose this life. You and all your mom friends at play group can talk about how tired you are. I guess the fact that I think my effing ass off the majority of the day is in NO way as exhausting as hours of Caillou and sing-a-longs. I also have to clean my house and do laundry and cook dinners and pay bills. Only, I don't have a "nap time" in which to accomplish these things. Don't be smug. It's annoying.
10. You just don't understand because you're not a mom.
Right. There are also things I don't understand because I'm not a rocket scientist. And I probably don't have many relatable experiences to say, a geneticist. And? You don't understand because you're not a marketer. Or because you're not Italian. Or because we're totally different effing people. We all have different life experiences and insides of our brains. No one can understand anything. Our "things" don't make us better. They just make us and I for one am sort of over the wars waged to make us feel lesser because we're making different choices.
And so I shall close with this. Please leave your non-parent friends, family and strangers alone. We're fine, we promise. And just think; it will give you more time to spend with those kids you want us to have so much.
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