If you've spent any considerable amount of time with me, and by considerable I mean around 5 minutes, you've probably heard me express my distaste for my own gender. Faster than a vegan to speak up about the moral irreparability of honey, I'll shout from the roof tops about how ridiculous I think most women are. My friend Candie is going to yell at me when she reads this. She's a hippie. She encourages loving each other, loving everyone, embracing the whole "girl friends as soul sisters" thing. In her defense, the chicks she keeps company with are pretty amazing. If I were her, I'd yell at me too. As it stands, I'm me and I think most chicks are reprehensible, impossible, just...terrible.
Look, I've TRIED. I pledged a sorority for the sake of our old pal Pete. I've collected and discarded female friends over the years like Pokemon cards. At the first sign of "you're going to cry on my shoulder over something that's your own fault," I'm out. I can't help it. I come fully lacking the empathy that makes anything that your ovaries cause, my problem.
It's not that I'm completely insensitive. And it's not that I haven't done my fair share of totally batshit crazy girl things. I cry at movies. (Some times.) I baby talk my dogs. Once a month I wouldn't blame poor boyfriend for running for the hills to escape the plague of locusts that has replaced my brain. I yo-yo diet. I profess love after first dates.I wait for phone calls. I have anxiety from moment to moment when nothing has changed. I'm insane about my muffin top. I stalk babies in grocery stores. I LOVE TEEN MOM. I mean, what I'm saying is, I get it. We are creatures of the moon and driven by our hormones and sometimes we just can't help that shit. But when we can help it, we should.
Girl friends want you to make them feel better. To make them feel pretty or something. To make their inevitably shattered-by-their-own-choices ego feel less broken. They want to talk for hours. They want to cry. They want you to tell them that they don't completely suck at life. Newsflash: I'm not an emotional crutch. I'm not a bad-behavior-encourager. I'm an "It's ok that you made a mistake, but now you need to get your shit together and fix this mess" sorta friend. You wouldn't believe how many chicks have called me mean. Wrong.
If you're gonna wallow, I'm out. If you ask me for my advice, don't follow it, then complain, I'm out. More importantly, if you do something that I actually consider morally wrong in some way and not just a dumb decision you made that doesn't impact anyone else, I'm probably out. Not because of the choice, but probably because of how you're handling it.
One of the benefits to being "one of the guys" is that I've been exposed to invaluable insight into the male psyche over the years and really, really, listen, I just want to help! I'm not going to lie or martyr myself. It's purely selfish. In part because I feel bad for my dude friends who are forced deal with the likes of all of us and I just want them to be happy so we have people to double date with, and in part because some days I WOULD like to have more than 3 girl friends and a cousin who I can talk about non-fashion/boys/weight/celebrity/baby-related things. Someone also of a rational mindset who would be brave enough to say something like, "You're being a total and complete douchehole right now and if he dumped you it would be ENTIRELY your fault. So suck it up and accept your fate, because you did this." If you exist, you're impossible to find. PLEASE CALL ME.
Anyways, based on all of this, I've come up with a list of the Top 10 Things I'd Say to Every Woman. If under 3 apply to you, we should talk. But not for hours.
1. Stop watching the Notebook. Stop reading shit like 50 Shade of Grey. Go find/read/do something that makes you SMART. Smart is hot. Whining that guys aren't like Ryan Gosling is not.
2. Throw away all your self help books about how being a bitch will get you a dude. Actually, just throw away all your self help books. That shit is ridiculous propaganda that you're more than capable of figuring out on your own.
3. Work out and watch what you eat. Sorry if it offends you that you can't find a guy to love all 400lbs of you. That's not the world we live in, sweetheart, sorry.
4. Stop being desperate to get married and have babies. It's annoying. You were put on the Earth for greater causes. If you don't know what those are, there's a great discovery exercise that might distract you from the fact that everyone you know over the age of 23 is in a rush to procreate. Chill.
5. Get a hobby or thing you really love to do, by yourself. Something that's just yours. We get into relationships and suddenly we're like, OHHHHH, My boyfriend LOVES samurai fighting. I have always been sooooooo into samurai fighting. Now I samurai fight all the time. Whatever.
6. Get some self respect. For the love of God. We are old enough now to see and read all the signs. Don't be blind to a boy because you like him. When you like yourself, you will not tolerate the shit that most women put up with.
7. Do not sleep with another woman's husband or boyfriend. I mean it. That's shitty as eff. There's nothing else to say about it.
8. Stop being complicated. Women over-complicate EVERY. THING. We like to blame dudes, and you know, some times, it's their fault, but I can't remember last time boyfriend came home and was like, "You know, I really feel like you don't care about me or my feelings because you left your towel on the floor." Pick your battles and shit. Again, Chill. Also, they will never understand that we go into panic mode when it takes them longer than 5 minutes to text us back. Might as well learn to chill on that as well.
9. Process your grief privately. Facebook and Twitter are not the place to go to bash your ex or their new girlfriend or to unload every deepest darkest feeling in your heart. No one cares and it makes you seem weak. Sorry, just the truth.
10. Next time, try not crying. I mean it. Bite your lip. Blink a thousand times. We all need a good, appropriately timed cry every now and then, but for real; stop falling apart. It's tacky if you're older than 6.
Sooo, I think that's it! I just needed to say these things. As I'm going through the trials and tribulations of dating with my guy friends, I've become even less tolerant of the fairer sex. It won't be the last time we talk about this stuff. And per usual, you're allowed to get mad. Just don't post hate mail anonymously. That shit's for girls.
